i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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