I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
