I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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