He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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