I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
