So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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