How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
