I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
