That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
