yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
