i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
