My liver just broke up with me...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
