I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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