Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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