why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
