Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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