The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
