her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
