I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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