I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We are all done wearing pants today
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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