come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
