Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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