This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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