So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was born a porn star she said
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Randomize
