Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
