In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
