he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
