How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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