Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
