i don't like sucking hair
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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