I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
