he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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