stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
