Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
