some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
