did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
