no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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