She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize