i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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