And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We smell like vodka and hangover
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