you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
