Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
