why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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