When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it's like iHOP with fire
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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