Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
