just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
