It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the day after is always just damage control
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
