How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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