I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
