I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
