Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
