I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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