Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
