In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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