The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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