how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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