I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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