alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
