Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
