please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
