We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
