why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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