He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
