a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
