Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
