I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
