New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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